Mo' Redneck funnies

[ellanoize]

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. As he stood by his car to drink his cola, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on.

The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.

While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"Well, we work for the county," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow.

"Normally there's three of us ... me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.

Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work."

[ellanoize]

The Redneck School Board, feeling left out by the fuss over "Ebonics," has decided to designate Southern slang, or "Hickphonics," as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. Here are excerpts from the Hickphonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI -- noun. Greeting.

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: "Heidi. Hire yew."

BARD -- verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH -- noun. A state just north of Florida. Capital is Hot-lanta.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS -- noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts."

IGNERT -- adjective. Not smart. See "Arkansas native."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH -- noun. A tool used for tight'nin' bolts.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL -- noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR -- noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh don't change the all in my pickup truck, that things gonna catch far."

BAHS -- noun. A supervisor.
Usage: "If you don't stop reading these Southern words and git back to work (or studying), your bahs is gonna far you!"

TAR -- noun. A rubber wheel.
Usage: "Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck."

TIRE -- noun. A tall monument.
Usage: "Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime."

RETARD -- Verb. To stop working.
Usage: "My grampaw retard at age 65."

TARRED -- adverb. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

FAT -- noun, verb. 1. a battle or combat. 2. to engage in battle or combat.

ARE -- pronoun. Possessive case of we used as a predicate adjective.

RATS -- noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willin' to fat for are rats."

FARN -- adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed... must be from some farn country."

DID -- adjective. Not alive.
Usage: "He's did, Jim."

EAR -- noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He cain't breath ... give 'im some ear!"

BOB WAR -- noun. A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: "Boy, stay away from that bob war fence."

JEW HERE -- Noun and verb contraction.
Usage: "Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny?"

HAZE -- a contraction.
Usage: "Is Bubba smart?" "Nah... haze ignert."

SEED -- verb, past tense.

VIEW -- contraction: verb and pronoun.
Usage: "I ain't never seed New York City... view?"

HEAVY DEW -- phrase. A request for action.
Usage: "Kin I heavy dew me a favor?"

GUMMIT -- noun. A bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Them gummit boys shore are ignert."

[cherrysis]

Jew Here....gummit
Far... OH man that was great!!!

[ellanoize]

You might be a Redneck If...

You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.

In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".

You bring your dog to work with you.

Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".

You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.

You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose!

The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty record collection

Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.

Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.

You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and a hickey.

The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.

You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.

You own at least 20 baseball hats.

You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.

You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.

You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".

You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.

Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high school sports event

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment.

[cherrysmum]

fat for our rats hahahhahahaha...oh weee hahhahahaha

[ellanoize]

Top Ten Signs You're At A Redneck Wedding


Rehearsal Dinner Held At Hooters

Instead Of "Friends Of The Bride Or Friends Of The Groom?" Ushers Ask "Ford Or Chevy?"

Bridesmaids: Pink Tube Tops
Bridegrooms: Travis Tritt T-Shirts

Phrase "I Do" Replaced By "I Heard That"

Tender Rendition Of "The Wedding Song" Performed By Pinkard & Bowden

When Minister Asks Who Giveth This Woman To Be Married...
Some Guy In The Back Stands Up And Hollers "Earnhardt!"

Reception Conversation Includes The Phrase "So What Have You Been Doing Since Hee Haw, Mr. Lindsay?"

Snack Trays At Reception: Vienna Sausages And Nacho Cheese Doritos

Plans For The Honeymoon Evening Include Tickets To The Monster Truck Show

...And The Number One Way To Tell If You're At A Redneck Wedding...

Sign In Front Of The Church: No Shirt...No Shoes...No Problem!

[cherrysmum]

*ROTF*..vienna sausages ..hahahaahahahahhaa

[ellanoize]

A visiting professor at Texas A & M University is giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: ?How many people here believe in ghosts?? About 90 students raise their hands.

?Well that?s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you?ve ever seen a ghost?? About 40 students raise their hands.

?That?s really good. I?m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost? 15 students raise their hands.

?That?s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?? Three students raise their hands. ?That?s fantastic. But let me ask you one question further?..Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?? One student in the back raises his hand. The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes a step back, and says, ?Son, all the years I?ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You?ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.?

The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium.

The professor says, ?Well, tell us what it?s like to have sex with a ghost.? The student replies, ?Ghost? Damn?.. From back there I thought you said ?goats?!?

[ellanoize]

An Irishman, a Mexican and a redneck were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.

They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time for lunch, I am going to jump off too."

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again. If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping off too!"

The next day the Irishman opened his lunchbox and sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps off the building.

The Mexican opens his lunch box and sees burritos and jumps off too.

The redneck opens his lunchbox and sees bologna so he jumps to his death. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife is weeping and says, "If I had known he was tired of corned beef and cabbage I would have never given it to him again!".

The Mexican's wife also weeps and says, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife. "Hey, don't look at me" she said, "He makes his own lunch!"

[ellanoize]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods, all of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard a answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was the other Indian crazy or what?
"No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler' Wooooo! Wooooo ! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave. He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Kawabonga!! Weee Doggies!! Look at the size of this cave! It's much bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"
He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read: "Naked Hillbilly Run Over by Freight Train."